It’s been ages since I’ve posted anything here. Of late, I’ve been asked if I would revive this blog, and you know what, I’ve been thinking about it! I used to enjoy writing about meaningful airing self-important thoughts about love, in particular, about my own experiences.
Since I found some peace in my love life four years ago, I felt my insecurities melt away, I felt like I could finally be myself with someone else and speak with absolutely no filter. But recently I caught myself letting myself go, not just physically, but emotionally… I let myself slip into a negative state, and was not growing emotionally or spiritually. I felt I could do better with myself.. and the incessant internal chatter returned with enormous vigour, and I was back to becoming overly self aware, I figured that it all has to go somewhere. So here I am again!
Recently I’ve been thinking about relationship sign posts. I think life is like one giant RPG (role playing game) – you meet different people and unlock challenges, tools, skills, and you level up! I was reminded how we meet new people all the time, be it online of offline, and an interaction can trigger a positive emotional shift, suddenly unlocking infinite possibilities if you are open to it.
A little over four years ago, I was (very) single and was consistently attracted to moody, masculine and emotionally unavailable men because I found them dead sexy. But a trip to Beijing changed all that. While I was there visiting a friend, I got to know someone whom I found gentle, happy, sweet and polite, and I thought to myself – I want to date a guy like that! He was my relationship sign post, although not necessarily someone whom I wanted to date, but one who gave me an indication that I could make healthier relationship choices.
After each relationship, I form a strong opinion about what kind of partner I want. Well, I like to fantasize… and those days, I felt that a passionate environmental activist would be a perfect match, we would actively crusade against the evils of the world, and have each other at the end of the day. However, life doesn’t quite work like that. I ended up falling for a sweet, giving, mellow, introverted Australian musician whom I could hermit in a subtropical rainforest with.
He provided me a safe haven from responsibilities and city living, a learning ground to develop self sufficiency skills and soul cultivation, and I also learned a lot about music and culture from him. What a journey. I’m a much better human today for it, and I’ve grown a lot all these years.
Of late though, I’ve been feeling that I haven’t been growing, and yearn for more self development and solo travel. I have FOMO – a fear of missing out, on life in particular. And now that I’ve completed a permaculture design course, there is so much to explore and I would like to work on various farms to hone my understanding of permaculture, something that my partner is not so interested in. In my course, I experienced another relationship sign post. I realised that I want a partner whom I could work tirelessly in the garden with, one who would not see my effort in the garden as a waste of time, or tell me that I should buy my vegetables instead.
Unlike a few years back, I now believe that relationships with friends and partners are cyclical, and while goodbyes are hard, we have to look at the big picture in life. If things are meant to be, it will be.
A day before I left Sydney a few weeks ago, I told my partner that we don’t want the same things and he should find someone better. Somehow the feeling of expressing this came when we were at a quaint cafe in Balmain. In my mind, I completely blocked out all the people in the room and tried to communicate my sadness in as dignified a manner as I could. He said he believed that we do want the same things, and eventually said that I should stay with him next time I visit NSW. Maybe in his heart he knows that our romantic union would be coming to an end.
He is my best friend, and will be in my life forever, but for now I think our relationship is on ice. Maybe all I want is some space, and to just be for a while.
I just don't know what to do with myself! 