Sexual etiquette

There are some things men do as a result of what some men read in magazines. Somewhere in there, they formulate some ideas of what women like in the bedroom.

Where am I going with this?

Of late, it had come to my attention that in the throes of passion, men might not think to ask the (seemingly impractical) question, “Are you going to come?” only to bypass the democratic rights of their partner, and have a solo happy ending. Riiiiiiiight.

A male friend of mine said that he’d read in several men’s special interest magazines that a lot of women are incapable of having the big O during intercourse, and figured that if his partner isn’t showing signs of an oncoming climax, he would just finish the dirty deed, with no guilt, and no compensation plan.

This, to me, is an absolute dealbreaker. And so I decided to collectively poll several man friends about this.To my shock and horror, most of them said they wouldn’t ask. I received the following excuses:
– It ruins the mood to ask
– It’s about constant feedback
– It’s a give and take thing
– Sometimes I can’t help it (most popular response)

And practically all these men have partners. The only one person who didn’t have a partner said he would certainly ask, because he wants to make sure she gets her turn.

Later that day, one of these men decided to ask a female in my presence if she felt differently to me, and she told him, “These things matter to us.”

I couldn’t have put it more succinctly. Or I suppose I could, by saying, “You selfish bastard!”

I should clarify that my focus group consisted of Chinese men, with the exception of one Eurasian, and of which a large majority live in Australia.

Could it be a Chinese thing? I certainly hope not!

It’s time to poll my Caucasian friends so as to balance out the racial bias of the sample size.

Men, do us womenkind a favour, and please be more considerate lovers!

Photo taken from stock.xchng

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5 thoughts on “Sexual etiquette

  1. IMO, it is a Chinese thing! In this show ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Swr4eGnY6Xw ) the trans stated that Chinese women is silent during sex! Maybe Chinese men find it more appropriate to remain silent as well!

    I always make it a point to make my partner “happy” before making myself “happy”(which marks the end of the “ceremony”). Oh, i’m a Chinese.

    Guys out there, if you’re not making her “happy” with your regular techniques, change it!

  2. Indeed an important issue!

    I have to say it seems to be a Chinese thing.

    I live in the northen Europe and when I asked around about this, most people (male and female) was totally unaware and did not know at all what I was talking about. This problem seem to not exist.
    Either they are lying or my friends are just lucky.

    However, though I never heard about this matter before, nor the people I’ve asked, my guess is that it maybe are some sort of cultural issue here, imho…

    All the best!
    /A

  3. Thanks, Dan. Well I’m glad you do not fall into the category of being a selfish bastard! And not only Chinese do this, as I’ve found!

    Dr Gosskropp! It’s been such a long time since I’ve heard from you! Good to have you back! I’m also wondering whether above all, it’s an Asian thing, or predominantly a Chinese thing.

    C’mon Chinese, represent!!!

  4. I have little evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, for these hypotheses, they are just brain storming and conjecture, but here they are:

    1) Perhaps those men who brought this phenomenon to your attention had exceedingly sexy partners and so could not control themselves? If so they can do things to try and last longer like getting anaesthetic gels to apply to themselves to lessen the sensations, using double layers of condoms, distracting themselves from the throes of passion by doing difficult mental arithmetic, etc.

    If there is a racial difference, it may be related to several factors:

    2) Genetics – maybe Chinese men are genetically destined to be like that, just like the way Chinese people tend to get drunk more easily than northern Europeans, and seem to more easily get addicted to gambling and computer games:
    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,297059,00.html

    3) Culture – maybe recent Chinese culture, or local Singapore Chinese culture influenced by colonial era British culture, does not place emphasis on female sexual enjoyment, women are meant to lie back and think of England / China.

    On the other hand, ancient Taoist philosophy equated the loss of male fluids with the loss of life force. Taoists also believed that the female climax produced jing energy which could be absorbed by the male, adding to his vitality, so the goal was for the man to make the woman climax as much as possible whilst holding back his own juices:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taoism#Sexuality
    http://sacredjournal.atspace.com/
    Did your sample of Chinese males include practising Taoists?

    4) Experience: good sex does not come automatically but is a skill acquired by practice. It may be that in northern Europe, men generally start mating at a younger age than in more conservative Chinese societies, and are thus better on account of longer experience. However, if a couple stay together a long time they can really get to know each other’s response very well and so become very good at pleasing each other, so given time this should not be a permanent handicap.

    On a somewhat off-topic but still slightly related note, here is an interesting documentary by Desmond Morris, the ethologist who famously studied animal art like chimpanzee paintings. Here he presents his theories on the biological functions of sexual love in humans:

    The Human Animal – The Biology Of Love
    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7364117469621223460#
    This is interesting food for thought because if we understand the biological functions and purposes of things like the big O, then we might be more aware of the effects of such things on our behaviour and on our relationships.

    See also:

    Love’s strange effect on people
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3685713.stm
    They found that the neural circuits that are normally associated with critical social assessment of other people are suppressed when people are in love.

    Science proves that love is blind
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3804545.stm
    Scientists have shown that there is a degree of truth in the old adage that love is blind.

    The Orgasmic Mind: The Neurological Roots of Sexual Pleasure
    http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-orgasmic-mind
    Achieving sexual climax requires a complex conspiracy of sensory and psychological signals—and the eventual silencing of critical brain areas

    I get a kick out of you: the science of love
    Scientists are finding that, after all, love really is down to a chemical addiction between people
    http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/love-science.html

    Sex chemistry ‘lasts two years’
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4669104.stm

    Comment: the old adage “keep both eyes fully open before the wedding, and close one eye after that” combined with the above findings, suggests that the best time to have sex is after the wedding, then the love is blind effect is useful to help you close one eye to the faults of your spouse, especially during the first two years of married life when the biggest adjustments and compromises have to be made; and not before the wedding, when you should have all your critical abilities intact in order to avoid marrying an unsuitable suitor.

    Monday, 12 March, 2001, 15:08 GMT
    Singapore women ‘forward in sex’
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/1216356.stm
    “Women in Singapore were found to be the most forward, with 18% saying they initiate sex.
    Singapore also appeared to be the most committed to monogamy, with 67% of men on the island saying they had never been unfaithful. ”

    Monday, 18 November, 2002, 12:37 GMT
    Singaporeans ‘too tired for sex’
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/2488455.stm
    Stressed-out Singaporeans are neglecting their sex lives because they are too tired to make love, a study has found.

    • Thanks Beng, I just saw this response… 3+ years later! Interesting point on Taoists, and thanks for the list of supporting articles!

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