The more I date, put my heart out on the line and get hurt, the more I learn about myself and what I really want in a partner.
Also, I learned the hard way that even if you are the perfect girlfriend, men don’t always want that. Simply because people don’t appreciate anything they get easily.
Some months ago, I fell in love, wanted to give him everything, made excuses to friends and myself for why he didn’t call much, or only sent me smses only past 2am at night, why we only spent weekend nights on the couch, and saw each other twice a week, max, clocking no more than 12 hours of flight(s of fantasy) time. Also, I accepted and tolerated his admission that he was not ready to open his heart to me after someone got there before me and broke it. Of course, as my ex-boyfriend pointed out to me recently, it all sounds too familiar. Yes, he did that to me too.
So here I am at 31, looking back at my dating history and wondering why I wasted so much time steeping myself in so much unhappiness and uncertainty, although the signs were there from the beginning. I was just too blind to acknowledge it would never blossom to anything more than just “hanging out”.
I was painfully reminded by friends these few months, it’s not what a man says, it’s what he does. Being what Emilie O terms a “word whore”, one who loves flattery, didn’t quite help my case. Perhaps that’s what’s kept me here for so long.
Am I really that masochistic? Subconsciously, yes! Consciously? Ok.. . Maybe. Alright, yes! Certainly over-optimistic!
According to the book Sextrology, where I as an Aquarian of the fairer sex, have been classified as “the eccentric female”, I am attracted to flagrant, overbearing, megalomaniacal types, and I turn all my men into monsters, regardless of how nice these men are, because I am such a patsy to my man. Also, it said that I’m incredibly tolerant and would bear with my partner until the occurence of the straw that breaks the camel’s back, and from there my partner will see the back of my head getting smaller and smaller as I walk away.
This all seems to be very true, especially the last point (at least in theory). To keep myself and my spirit sane, I usually impose a personal time limit to how much effort I devote to anything that isn’t working, or it would prove to be an energy black hole. This is what I regard as my final line of defence.
So I decided after realising that I could never melt his water-tight heart, and an ugly argument, it was time to walk away, and cut my losses. This man was never going to let me in emotionally, looked to me as an afterthought, and never considered me as a prime candidate for a girlfriend in the first place. Bad for my self esteem, especially when I consider myself a fabulous catch!
And as you would have it, my mother rubbed it in saying, “It really turned out to be 沒米粥!”
So from now it’s time to reinvent a whole new me where I will no longer be low maintenance, and will now demand a lot more effort and chase-time from prospective boyfriends. The barriers to entry has been raised to more impossible heights than ever, and I will stop wasting time attracting Peter Pan man childs! Perhaps this new formula means that I will stop churning out monsters!
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