Sometimes I long so much to have a partner, I play pretend that the stranger beside me on the bus is my quietly content other half, so content that we don’t even have to say a word, as I did some time last week when I got on the airport limosine from the Incheon Airport to my hotel, with my mother in tow. The funny thing was, the stranger struck up a conversation with me just before we alighted from the bus, and we exchanged contact details.
It’s not that I don’t treasure my own company, but I just want so much to share my life with somebody, and throw my endless thoughts at a willing listener, as opposed to having them bounce around the walls of my mind. Surely this must cause brain damage, no?
This urge has been extremely prevalent since my younger years and I often wonder why it is so? Why do I long so much for companionship? Yet at the same time, as a result of all my failed relationships, I fear so much to get heavily entangled with the history of another being… All these expectations! Be it the other party, the parents, domestic helper, friends, even the dog, whom I’m supposed to pet or I’ll seem inhuman! Getting involved in all that can really weigh one down. Am I being selfish? I really am a bundle of contradictions.
So as usual I exercised my verbal diarrhoea to Pam, who said that from these past two years of getting to know me, she’s found me to be walking in circles, unmistakably repeating a pattern when it comes to the men I date. They usually don’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated, is what she means. And I concur.
This whole emphasis on finding the one is certainly wearing me out… She said I seem to be escaping (my mom says this alot about me) from my own reality and hoping that someone else can make me happy. She is right, I do fall in love to take a holiday from myself, and I recognise that I can’t do this forever. At some point I need to focus on my own life and do what is important to me and makes me happy.
Then she said to me what I’ve heard and read so many times before, but yet it capped off the conversation nicely.
“No matter who you’re with, you’ll never be happy because you’re not happy with yourself”.
And so I’ve decided to stop going around in circles, and instead breaking this habit once and for all! Just like how I’ve managed to break other crippling habits like smoking (2003), nail-biting (1999, 2009), martyrdom (2009), and carnivorism (2008). I think I stand a pretty good chance!
What about you? Have you been engaging in your little bit of circling behaviour? Are there any long overdue habits you’ve been hanging on to for your dear life?
Well perhaps it’s about time you consider letting go of this security blanket, and unchain yourself from a dependency that inhibits your personal development. Serenity now!!!
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